We meet many people but often don’t really know them well. Learning how to get to know someone better is important whether you want to make new friends, improve your relationships, or just connect better with people around you.
Getting to know someone means understanding who they really are, not just what they do for work or where they live.
“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” – Michel de Montaigne
Really knowing someone takes time and effort. It means looking past small talk and wanting to understand what makes them happy, what worries them, and what experiences have shaped their life.
When you truly know someone, your relationship becomes stronger and more meaningful.
How to Get to Know Someone Better
Start with Real Interest: The First Step to Better Connection
The first step in how to get to know someone better is to be genuinely interested in them as a person.
This means asking questions that go deeper than “How’s the weather?” Instead, ask about things that matter to them, like what they enjoyed doing as kids or what they’re excited about right now.
Being genuinely interested shows in how you listen. When someone tells you something personal, don’t immediately jump in with your own story. Instead, ask them more about their experience.
Try questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “What did you learn from that?” This shows you care about their thoughts and feelings.
“I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention.” – Diane Sawyer
Remember, showing interest should feel natural, not like you’re interviewing them for a job.
The goal is to make them feel comfortable sharing more about themselves. This takes time, so be patient.
Learn to Really Listen
Good listening is one of the most important skills when learning how to get to know someone better. This means giving them your full attention.
Put your phone away, look at them when they talk, and show with your body language that you’re interested in what they’re saying.
Good listening also means paying attention to more than just words. Notice if someone sounds sad, excited, or nervous.
Sometimes people tell you more with their tone of voice or facial expressions than with their actual words.
You can show you’re listening by repeating back what you heard: “It sounds like that was really hard for you” or “I can tell that friendship means a lot to you.”
This helps them know you understand and gives them a chance to tell you more.
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” – Epictetus
Share Your Own Stories Too
Getting to know someone better works both ways. While you want to learn about them, you also need to share things about yourself.
Talk about your own experiences, challenges, and what you think about different topics. This helps them understand who you are too.
Sharing doesn’t mean telling them everything about your life right away. Start with smaller, personal things and gradually share more as you get to know each other better.
You might talk about a mistake you made that taught you something, something you’re worried about, or what’s important to you in life.
When you’re willing to share personal things, it makes the other person feel safe to do the same. This creates a cycle where both of you feel comfortable opening up more.
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” – Brené Brown
Do Things Together and Make Memories
One of the best ways to learn how to get to know someone better is by spending time together doing different activities.
You don’t need to do anything expensive or complicated. Simple things like cooking together, going for a walk, playing a game, or working on a project can teach you a lot about someone.
Pay attention to how they act in different situations.
Do they get frustrated easily? Are they patient with others? What makes them laugh? How do they handle problems?
These observations help you understand their personality and what they value.
Doing things together also gives you shared memories and experiences to talk about later. These become the foundation of inside jokes and stories that make your relationship special.
“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
Ask Better Questions That Matter
The questions you ask can make a big difference in how well you get to know someone. Instead of always talking about safe topics like work or the weather, try asking questions that help you understand them better.
The key is to ask these questions naturally during conversation, not like you’re giving them a test.
Here are many examples of good questions you can ask:
About Their Past:
- “What’s your favorite childhood memory?”
- “What did you want to be when you grew up?”
- “What’s the best advice someone ever gave you?”
- “What’s something you believed as a kid that you don’t believe now?”
- “Who was your favorite teacher and why?”
About Their Values and Beliefs:
- “What’s most important to you in life?”
- “What does success mean to you?”
- “What’s something you would never compromise on?”
- “What cause do you care most about?”
- “What’s a rule you always follow?”
About Their Interests and Passions:
- “What do you love doing in your free time?”
- “What’s something you could talk about for hours?”
- “What’s the best book/movie/song you’ve discovered recently?”
- “What skill would you love to learn?”
- “What’s something you’re really proud of?”
About Their Dreams and Goals:
- “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
- “What’s on your bucket list?”
- “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
- “What’s your biggest dream?”
- “What goal are you working on right now?”
About Their Experiences:
- “What’s the most interesting place you’ve been?”
- “What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?”
- “What’s something that changed your life?”
- “What’s your favorite family tradition?”
- “What’s the kindest thing someone has done for you?”
About Their Thoughts and Feelings:
- “What makes you happiest?”
- “What’s your biggest fear?”
- “What’s something that always makes you laugh?”
- “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?”
- “What do you wish people knew about you?”
Fun and Creative Questions:
- “If you could have dinner with anyone, who would it be?”
- “What superpower would you choose?”
- “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?”
- “If you could live anywhere, where would you go?”
- “What’s something most people don’t know about you?”
Remember to be ready to answer these questions yourself. Good conversation means both people sharing, not just one person asking all the questions.
“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” – Dorothy Nevill
Notice the Small Things
Learning how to get to know someone better often means paying attention to small details that others might miss.
Watch how they treat waiters at restaurants, what makes them smile, how they act when they’re stressed, or what they do when they think no one is watching.
These little things can tell you a lot about what kind of person they are.
Also remember the small things they tell you – their favorite coffee, a movie they mentioned wanting to see, or something they’re worried about.
Bringing these up later shows that you listen and care about what matters to them.
Conclusion: Building Real Friendships Through Understanding
Learning how to get to know someone better is really about creating real connections with people in a world where we often just scratch the surface.
It takes time, genuine interest, and being willing to share about yourself too.
It’s not always easy, but having people who truly know and understand you is one of life’s greatest gifts.
Remember that getting to know someone well doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient and enjoy the process. Every conversation is a chance to understand someone a little better and let them understand you too.
In a world where real connections can be hard to find, taking the time to truly know others is a wonderful thing you can do for both yourself and them.
